


The Great Senju Show Off

by GivemeanID



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Erotic Calendar, Gen, The Uchiha have a thing for prettydeadly people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23578186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GivemeanID/pseuds/GivemeanID
Summary: The Senju are broke.Their solution to earn money quickly is... different from what ninja usually do.Not that the Uchiha complain.
Comments: 27
Kudos: 220





	The Great Senju Show Off

**Author's Note:**

> Quarantined ID writes stupid shit (part 2)

Their treasury was empty as fuck. And Tobirama was starting to panic a little. The Senju had had a rough year and they ended up spending every single last ryo they had on medicine and bandages, because the number of battles had increased drastically and there had been a flu outbreak (one of the things Hashirama couldn't heal, unfortunately). Their income hadn't covered all their spendings and now they were broke as fuck. They couldn't even buy a dango if they wanted too.

So Tobirama had gathered Hashirama and the Elders, as well as some trusted warriors, with the help of Mito, for trying to find a quick solution. Two days later, they were still at it, having barely slept, and Tobirama was this close to strangle his brother.

This close...

\- Maybe we could sell cake ? Hashirama muttered, out of despair.  
\- Yeah, of course, Tobirama snarked, why not make an erotic calendar while we're at it ?

He would later insist that he never said that, that his brother hallucinated due to too little sleep and too much coffee. But at this moment he had no idea what was gonna happen and he was feeling a bit cranky. The heavy silence was his first clue of the incoming disaster. When he looked up from his notes (he had spent the last five minutes doodling an angry Izuna in the corner of it), it was to come face to face with a beaming Hashirama.

\- Tobi this is a wonderful idea !  
\- What.  
\- Yeah, Mito added with a mischevious smile, we already have the equipment to take the photos and Hashirama can grow trees to make paper. We can basically produce them from scratch for nothing.  
\- What ?  
\- And it is known that sex sell, Toka cheered with a hyena smirk, so we're gonna earn a shitton of money !  
\- WHAT ?!!

************

Two days later.

\- Come on Tobi !  
\- Over my dead body !  
\- This was your idea !  
\- Like hell it was !  
\- Come on cuz, it's gonna be funny !  
\- No it's not !

Mito rolled her eyes, grabbed her brother-in-law by the wrist and led him away from Hashirama and Toka.

\- If you don't do it, I'm gonna tell Hashirama you were the reason his bonsai collection disappeared, she whispered in his ear.

Tobirama shot her a betrayed glare.

\- You wouldn't dare ?!  
\- Try me...

They stared each other down till Tobirama looked at his feet huffing.

\- Fine, he groaned.

Hashirama cheered loudly.

************

\- Tobi, smile please !  
\- I am smiling !  
\- You look like you want to tear someone's throat out !  
\- I am smiling dammit !!  
\- It's okay, some people are into it...

************

\- Hashirama, I know you are enthousiastic, and this is good...  
\- But ?  
\- But we are making an erotic calendar, not a pornographic book, so please put on underwears...  
\- Awww...

************

\- Which shade will be better for Tobi ?  
\- Try blood red, it goes well with his tattoos...  
\- One day, I will get back at you for this humiliation, I swear to gods...  
\- Yeah, yeah, whatever you say Tobi...

************

\- Are you sure I can't keep my naginata ?  
\- We are trying to make them flustered, not scared to death.  
\- Some people are flustered by weapons and death threats !  
\- ... okay you can keep the naginata...

************

After a week of common efforts (and convincing Tobirama not to burn the photos and go settle on Mizu's coast to herd goats), the calendar was ready. They shipped it in the neighboring countries (because they might need money but they still had a reputation to uphold). It outsold in under a week. Hashirama was ecstatic. Tobirama way less. But at least they had more money than they could count, so there was that.

************

Kentaro Uchiha was finishing a mission in the Land of Wind when it happened. His patron, a nice old woman who needed help against bandits, gave him his payment and then told him to wait a little, she had something that may interest a healthy young man like him.

She gave him a calendar.

Kentaro had no idea of the chaos such a simple act was gonna unleash on the Land of Fire in general and the Uchiha Clan in particular.

************

Madara was contemplating permutating a clone in his place to escape the boring meeting with the Elders, when Kentaro, his third cousin twice removed on his mother's side, entered the room screeching like a banshee. He was red in the face, sweaty like he ran to the compound a full speed, disheveled, covered in dust, and brandishing what appeared to be a calendar.

\- MADARA-SAMA !!! he screamed, throwing himself at his Clan Head's feet.

The ruckus had the merit to shake Izuna out of his map.

\- What ?! Madara cried, are you wounded ?! What happened ?!

Kentaro, crying, shoved the calendar in Madara's hands.

\- I can't unsee, he breathed, still crying, work of the gods... so pretty...

Madara hesitated. Izuna had no such qualm and grabbed the calendar before opening it to look at the January photo. Madara distinctly saw his little brother almost swallowing his tongue and starting to cough. Curious, he took a look. And promptly forgot how to breath.

It was Hashirama on the photo, lounging naked on a bed covered by furs, next to a fireplace. A cushion was strategically placed to hide his manhood, his dark skin was glowing, almost golden, and he was looking directly into the camera, showing all his teeth, his long brown hair flowing on his shoulders.

Madara felt a little hot under the collar. He turned the page to look at the February photo. Izuna whimpered when he saw it.

It was Tobirama this time, sitting on a throne like chair. He was wearing his furpelt and nothing else, his silver white hair lightly tousled, a cushion on his lap to dissimulate his manhood. His teeth were bared in a snarl-like smile, his wine red eyes promising death, his pale skin silver under the impersonnal light of the room he was in. It took a moment to Madara to notice that the man had a leg propped on a table in front of him and was wearing black stilletos.

Feeling lightheaded, he turned the page.

The March photos was Hashirama and Mito, in a bath. They were wet and snuggled against each other and happy and apparently about to kiss and Madara didn't need to know that Hashirama was so fucking big or that Mito had freckles on her shoulders and that this was cute and that the two of them were so fucking hot together, what the fuck Senju ?!! What the fuck ?!!

Seeing that his brother was having an internal crisis, Izuna turned another page.

The April photo was Toka, her naginata slinged on her shoulder, a light veil wrapped around her torso, covering her from collarbone to midthight. Except it was pastel and translucid and her forms were suggested by the fabric and she was grinning from ear to ear like she was about to pounce on a prey. Izuna started bleeding from his nose.

An Elder, perfectly conscious of his Clan Head and Clan Heir mental breakdown, turned another page.

The May photo was Mito and Tobirama. They were wearing scientist lab coats and nothing else, sitting on a table, apparently talking enthousiastically to each other, looking a little crazy. There was an explosion in the background and their bare skin were covered in soot.

Another page was turned.

The June photo was Tobirama and Hashirama. The two brothers were lounging near a river, both of them naked, Hashirama reclining against a tree and Tobirama sprawled on his brother's lap like a big cat. They were wet and Hashirama was idly petting his brother's back, who was smiling softly. And Elder clutched her heart upon seeing this.

The July photo was Mito. She was sitting on a log, a heavy fur coat, blood red, which hood figured a giant fox's head, covering her. She was crosslegged, one of her breast on display, also covered with freckles, her hands on her naked thights, grinning wildly. Madara gulped, feeling his pants tighten.

The August photo was Mito and Toka, both of them engaged in a fight, Toka's naginata coming down against Mito's kunai. They were both naked, their long hair free and flying everywhere, strategically hiding some parts of their anatomy. They were covered in sweat and snarling in a playful way. Izuna fainted.

The September photo was Tobirama and Toka, in the middle of a clearing, hunched over what appeared to be a dead boar. They were naked, dirty and sweaty, snarling, their mouths covered in blood, teeth on display. Izuna, who had awoken, promptly fainted again.

The October photo was Hashirama and Toka, wrestling naked in a pile of dead leaves. They were laughing, their hair tangled. Madara distinctly heard an Elder coo.

The November photo was Hashirama, Toka and Tobirama. Hashirama was standing tall in the middle, Tobirama draped on his right side and Toka draped on his left side. He was grabbing their hips and smirking. The three of them were wearing a black boxer and nothing else. Tobirama and Toka had their lips painted red, and there were kiss marks in lipstick on Hashirama's face. The three of them were looking into the camera, Hashirama and Toka playfully, Tobirama like he was planning the photographer's painful death. Madara's mind blanked and all the blood rushed south. He didn't need to know that Hashirama was so big, dammit !

The December photo was the four of them, sprawled in a bed, naked. They were apparently sleeping, their bodies covered in sweat and suspicious marks, their hair tousled, their lips swollen.

With a screech, Madara closed the calendar. There was a heavy silence, and Madara used it to try to will away his boner. Several Elders were squirming suspiciously. Every people in the room were redfaced, some of them were bleeding from their noses.

Finally, an Elder cleared her throat.

\- Hum, she squeaked, maybe we should reconsider our stance on that peace thing...

**************

Two weeks later, the Senju received a ceasefire proposal from the Uchiha, as well as a date and a place for peace talks. Nobody understood. Hashirama was ecstatic.

**Author's Note:**

> That moment when you write a fic describing pictures but you can't draw to save your life...
> 
> For those who are wondering, yes the little lady from Wind basically gave fap material to Kentaro ^^
> 
> Senju : * accidentally make a calendar catering to Uchiha very specific tastes *  
> Senju : * receive peace proposal * what is this sorcery ?


End file.
